This post contains strong language. Don’t read it out loud to your children or employer (like you usually do) without reading it quietly to yourself first.

There are times I know other people believe my kids are misbehaving when I know otherwise. What my kid is doing or saying is perfectly innocent but causes onlookers to suspect I am dropping the ball in the parenting game. In these moments, I can choose to slouch, act apologetic, maybe even try to escape. Or, I can hold my head high and enjoy a little laugh at the quiet shock of strangers.

My four-year old is a great grocery shopper. He is typically sweet and cooperative and I miss his company when he doesn’t tag along. Because it is more work for me to let him walk, I usually ask him to ride in the cart for the first half. He’s getting a little big, though, and the cart hurts his legs. Last week I agreed to let him walk along the whole time. I kept him involved by letting him push the cart.

We started in produce where he learned how to tear the plastic bags off the stands and that we put the apples in the bag gently and banana bunches are not basketballs and should not be shot into the cart. So far, so good.

But as we were turning the corner into Aisle 1:

“WHOREWHORE! WHORE!”
“What?”
“Mommy, just let me push the cart.”
“I am. What are you saying?”
“Can we get chocolate chip muffins?”
Uh? “Sure. Okay.”

Turning into Aisle 2:

“WHORE! WHORE!”
“Baby! What are you saying?”
“Whore.”
“What?”
“Mommy, you put the stuff in the cart. I push it.”
Ohhhkay.

Aisle 3:

“WHORE! WHORE!”
“?”
“Whore!”

I knelt down and said, “Honey, what is that you’re saying? I don’t know the word.”

“It’s my WHORE, Mommy. I have to honk it.”

“OH! Your HORN! Yes, your horNNNN. You honnnnk your hornnnnnNNNNN.”

“Yes. Whore! Let’s go.”

He did this every time we rounded a corner and, more horrifically, whenever it looked like another shopper might be in our path. I thought about hunching my shoulders and hiding behind my hair, but decided against it when I caught the first judgmental glance that was lobbed at me. “TSK!” right back atcha, lady. If my kid wants to honk his whore, it’s fine by me. Take your eyeballs back and kindly step out of our way. Beep, beep.