cool beans

I am all caught up on email and there are no new items in my feed reader. I have reached the end of the internet.

The rest of the day includes laundry, a shower, the library. I want it to go slow, slow, slow. The next few days pick up speed.

Tonight: Husband and his brother camping and fishing through tomorrow afternoon. My friend and her family arrive after bedtime.

Saturday: Visiting with friend. Hissing at kids to leave us to visit and hollering, “Stop trying to blow up your hands and faces! Husbands! Get out here and help your children play with fire safely.” (Visiting with insanity!)

Sunday: Fireworks display. Four thousand mosquito bites.

Monday: Become mother of teenager. Start crocheting doilies. Open first bottle of tequila.

Tuesday: PAR-TAY.

Wednesday: PAR-TAY.

Thursday: Moaning.

Friday: Finish off tequila. Swear off tequila until next year.

Saturday: Possible coma.

Each and Every Day: Blow stuff up.

Please click here to visit Whymommy at Toddler Planet and share your words of encouragement. She needs our thoughts and prayers and love.

1.Whats your name spelled backwards?
Erm. Pretend I played along with this one.

2. What did you do last night?
I read blogs and talked to a friend via email while my husband paced through the house and talked non-stop for over an hour.

3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Graphics for possible blog headers.

4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
No. What the hell is wrong with people?

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
A couple weeks ago.

6. What are you wearing?
Gray knit capri pants and a white tank top. (Most of yesterday’s outfit that became pajamas at midnight.)

7. How many cars have you owned?
Since being together, my husband and I have owned four cars. Not all of them at the same time. Somehow, none of them have ended up on blocks in the yard. It is a miracle.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
I don’t even know what you call it. Best described as “polka with lyrics en Espanol.” Also, anything by the Eagles and Don Henley. And a whole bunch of other stuff. I love music, but I hate a lot of it, too.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Absolutely.

10. Do you have cable?
No.

11. What kind of computer do you use?
A giant Dell desktop. I feel like I’m sitting in front of a dinosaur.

12. Ever made a prank phone call?
Yep. Hundreds. One of my favorites: We’d call old people and ask for the old man, pretending to be his 12 year-old one-night stand. We stopped doing that when THE WIDOW answered the phone. Our other favorite: Calling everyone named “Norbert” and scream-moaning “Nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooorrrberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!” into the phone.

13. You like anyone right now?
What does this mean? Do I have the hots for someone right now? Um, NO. Or, yes, but he’s not even old enough to ring up my beer. I’m a dirty old lady.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
I don’t think I’d do either. I’m more likely to sky dive than bungee. Did you see that Faces of Death video with the bungee off the building? No? Okay. Don’t. That’s something that can’t be erased.

15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
Opposite sides of the country. Which really isn’t very far. I would have to look at a map to figure the miles and really, who needs a map?

16. Do you have a garden?
Ahahahaha!! Whoa. Suddenly everything is in italics. How’d that happen? I do not have a garden.

17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
Dah. What? I don’t know.

18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?
When I’m singing along. If I had to sing it alone, I would surely mix parts up. I think maybe I’m supposed to be embarrassed by that, but I’m not. It’s a SONG, yo.

19. Shower, morning or night?
Morning. But sometimes both. I don’t have an only one shower a day kind of rule.

20. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
Pan’s Labyrinth. I wish I’d looked away a couple more times than I did, though. Holy crap. Second best: Stranger Than Fiction. Very good. Will Ferrell is a genius.

21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Everything including green olives. Or just pepperoni. Sometimes sauerkraut and Canadian bacon.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Popcorn. Made in oil on the stove with real butter and five pounds of salt.

23. What cell phone provider do you have?
Your mom. What is this question?

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Seriously. Licking batteries and smoking peanut shells. Next you will tell me you’ve been drinking nutmeg. STOP THE INSANITY.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Nope. I don’t want to make the other girls cry with my awesomeness. Smackdown, pretties.

26. Orange Juice or apple?
Orange.

27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
High school sweethearts. Three of us had pie. One of us did not. Next time, she’s not invited. Have some pie, kids.

28. Favorite chocolate bar?
Do I have a favorite? One that has chocolate on it? I’d rather have something else, thanks. Like PIE.

29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Without taking chunks of time off or away, my friend in Texas. The one who will be home in THREE DAYS! Woohoo. We knew each other before, but became good friends our Senior year of high school. I think. I drank too much I can’t remember shit. That’s a long time. Oh. Maybe I’ve known my husband longer than that. But he doesn’t count. Or, maybe he’s the ONLY one who counts because the question does say “longest”. My sister reads this. Happy blushing!

30. Last time you ate a home-grown tomato?
Last summer. But it was grown at someone else’s home.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes. I got a trophy for something ha-ha funny in yearbook. It was for something like all-around best ass-kicking motherfucker. It was me and myself in the running for that one. I wish I could remember what it really said on it. It’s around here somewhere. Buried. I’m so proud.

32. Favorite artist?
Your mom. I just don’t do this. What? I like pretty pictures.

33. Favourite computer game?
You Don’t Know Jack. And Bejewelled and Spider Solitaire and last night I dreamt there was a new batch of riddles at Weffriddles.

34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
No. I did buy some nail care products from QVC, though. The stuff totally worked. I am too lazy to take care of my nails properly. (I think ProStrong was the name of the stuff.)

35. Sprite or 7-UP?
Coke.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
Yes. Dairy Queen uniforms are hawt.

37. Last thing you bought at a store?
Tampons. Aren’t you glad you asked?

38. Ever thrown up in public?
Probably. I wouldn’t remember it, though.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
I would really like the money. But I’ve been told “love is all you need.” Maybe we should start cuddling with our bills.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. Attraction, affection, lust.

41.Can exes just be friends?
Maybe, but it’s probably going to be weird for somebody.

42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My grandmother.

43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes. And bangs that started at the crown of my head. They were awkward to grow out.

44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
The robot recording that came with the machine.

45. Where would you like to go right now?
I would like to be alone in a swimming pool.

46. What was the name of your first pet?
Sandy, a Britney Spaniel that I barely remember. I blamed a lot of my toddler antics on that dog.

47. What kind of backpack do you have, and what’s in it?
Who do you think I am? Dora the Explorer?

48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
My brother-in-law calling to ask my husband to take him fishing on the first day of my friend’s visit. OF COURSE you can go, dear. OF COURSE I will make your life hell, dear.

49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Coffee. Sunshine.

50. What do you think about most?
The stuff I think I should be doing.

Amy Sedaris is going to be at BlogHer?

Weepy with the sadness. Someone sniff her for me. I bet she smells like vanilla and lemons.

I spent four hours yesterday and another four hours today sitting in a fireworks stand near the highway. It was hot, it was loud, it was smelly. My head hurts now. I want to fill the tub with water and ice cubes and bubbles. That sounds so good it’s probably illegal.

I tried reading Love Medicine while running the fireworks stand yesterday, but with all the highway noise and a complaining son, I couldn’t keep track of who was who. Today I brought along The Devil in the White City and a daughter who promised not to whine. That was better. I’d have read a lot farther if my chatty daughter wouldn’t have had to describe how she was rearranging colorful explosives every five minutes. She was very particular about displays and eager to tell me all about it. But she didn’t whine!

I want to go to the chiropractor but going to the chiropractor is dangerous. I go once and it feels so good, I want to go back every week and then I have to tell my husband it is REQUIRED that I go back. Which isn’t really true. I just really like that cracking noise.

I’m totally going tomorrow.

Other than what they’re doing to my mood, these two things are unrelated. Randomness!

This is making me happy: goodreads

Making me HYSTERICAL WITH THE JOY? THIS. Amen.

What to read next: Love Medicine or Lamb? Icy Sparks or The Devil in the White City? Or something else?

Also, if you have Water for Elephants checked out of the public library, please return it. It’s overdue. MY TURN.

I’m having a blog identity crisis. This website may look different every single day while I’m playing dress-up over here. I’m looking for a way to put “What I’m Reading” in the sidebar without having to hand code it and junk. I don’t think I can do that with this version of WordPress. That’s a drag. Holler if you know something I don’t. About that specifically, I mean. Don’t be a smartass.

From craigslist via Vodkarella:

Also, please refrain from referring to your gay friend as “my Will” or yourself as “Grace.” That’s totally queer. It was an okay show that’s been off the air for over a year. Move on.

Every time someone links to the best of craigslist, I wonder why I don’t read it. I subscribed this time. Then I found this:

Be nice to the equipment. You slamming the top of the copy machine will not make it work any better contrary to popular belief around here. Also, yes I CAN get the jam out of the fax machine, so don’t ask me to with a big ol attitude like I caused it or something.

I sort of want to make out with her. Picking one quote from this rant was very, very difficult.

Some of this is hard to talk about in paragraphs. It’s easier in list form. Most of this is me letting you hear the voices in my head. The voices that spend too much time talking to me about me and stuff that probably won’t matter much when I’m 80.

1. I’ve run out of free space in my Flickr account. Do I want to pay to store my photos online? Should I look for a less expensive option? Split my photos between free accounts? Print everything and press DELETE?
2. I’m thinking about turning off comments. I like feedback, discussion, and attention. I wonder if it be easier to write whatever I want, say what I have to say, enjoy my own writing more if I wasn’t anticipating comments. Sometimes comments make me feel good, validated, supported. But I do feel disappointment when I don’t get comments I sort of thought I’d get. Or when I don’t get comments from people I thought for sure would say something. Oh, how that stings. It’s worse than hateful comments from trolls. I wouldn’t be expecting comments if I’ve turned them off, and feedback would come in the form of links back or emails. That seems more meaningful, intentional and genuinely connected, doesn’t it? Or not?
3. I talked recently about blog popularity. There’s something else bugging me about that and it’s hard to explain, so bear with me. Given the nature of my blog and the blogs I read, there seems to be a sense of community (or communities, really). I think I fit in there somewhere, but I am not sure where. A few times I’ve been talking about someone whose blog I read and have discussions with and I started to say, “I have this friend…” or “This friend of mine…” or “This woman I know…” and I stop. Because I’m not sure. Are we friends? Do I know you? If you heard me refer to you as my friend or even as someone I know, would you think, “Pfft. Yeah, whatEVER, freakshow.”?

I like keeping a weblog. I like reading your weblogs. I don’t think I’ve been making reading and writing choices based solely on being liked and included, but I think it is really hard to avoid entirely. Sometimes I realize I just keep marking an RSS feed as “Read” and only subscribed to it because they said something I liked once. Or someone I like reads them so it must be good because Mikey likes it!

I do think I’ve been leaning too much on my internet connection for adult conversation and support. It’s so easy. I don’t have to put on a bra or brush my teeth or refrain from farting to talk to a grown-up. I love that about you. Except for a small number of you, we can’t go to lunch next week or meet at the park or hang out in each other’s kitchens sipping tea and sharing gossip. For the few readers I can do that with, I probably email you a lot more than I see you. Some of that is busy life. Some of it isn’t, though. Some of that is because I don’t like wearing a bra, my breath stinks and I’m gassy.

Ah. There. My bellybutton is lint-free!