I’ve never baked a cake from scratch before. I was bored today and thought I’d give it a try. Here are some things you should know about baking cakes:
- The instructions are spiteful bitches that want to see you fail so they don’t tell you that Martha Stewart is right about the parchment paper. “Grease and flour,” they say. Then they laugh at you behind your back. The instructions are the Mean Girls.
- If you don’t have wire racks to cool the cakes on after baking, an ungreased, inverted pizza pan is a poor substitute. Though, if the cake will ooze through the pizza pan holes, I’m not sure how a rack would have been better.
- Good news: If the cake doesn’t come out of the pan, you can indeed scrape the guts out and mush them back into the cake.
- More good news: If you make scratch cakes the way I make scratch cakes, making frosting is unnecessary. Unless you’re seriously crazy.
- You’d have to be seriously crazy to try frosting this mess.
- Take pictures at the beginning of the cake baking process so you have proof that you did at least half of it well. “Look! Gorgeous cakes. Couldn’t you just eat them right out of the pan?!”
- I recommend eating the cakes right out of the pan. Simpler. Less embarrassing. Also, eating out of the same dish with other people says, “I love you enough to share your germs.” Or, “I love chocolate cake so much, I can overlook the fact you’re going to stick your slobbered-on spoon back into this pan. And then I’m going to do it, too.” It’s a bonding thing.
- If you’re really bent on presenting your family with a cake you can slice and put on individual plates for them, try a dusting of powdered sugar.
- If you don’t have a sifting thingie for sifting powdered sugar, a thin cotton towel isn’t a good stand-in. There’s something degrading and hopeless about patting a dusty sack over hot chocolate messes.
- A tea ball works, though!
Making the best of a bad situation:
“If you don’t have a sifting thingie for sifting powdered sugar, a thin cotton towel isn’t a good stand-in. There’s something degrading and hopeless about patting a dusty sack over hot chocolate messes. ”
This made me laugh so hard I shook the bed and woke up the man. He wants to know why you’re making anchors. Haaafunny.
Okay. I have never laughed so hard at 9am. I swear. I mean, I feel you, because a baker, I am not. So I was extememly impressed that you attempted a scratch cake when Betty Crocker puts those in a box for you already..
HILARIOUS post. This is funny funny funny. I loved the pics.
And I agree with ItsMeDe, that IS the funniest line. And the Instructions are the Mean Girls line made me laugh, too as I imagined your Cakes getting hit by a bus.
I’ve tried frosting worse.
Okay, you know what, those cakes look GOOD. I want some chocolate now! Thanks a lot!
Been there, done that. Probably could write the book. Glad you made the best of your mess. I would have eaten a piece. It still tasted awesome I bet!
hehe better luck next time!
De - We wouldn’t be able to sink the body with these, but they were close. (Almost there!)
Jen - My only excuse for not hanging out with Betty: I was hopelessly bored.
Buffy - KUH-RAZY. I would have cried trying to frost those.
Courtney - I hope you found some chocolate!
Nicole - The cakes were indeed tasty and gooey. The flavor wasn’t unlike Hostess cupcakes, but without the nasty Twinkie Chemical Factor.
I remember when I first baked a cake, it was a disaster, even wrost then yours: it was burn outside and not cooked inside. However, practice makes perfect, I’m sure your baking skills will improve and you may even enjoy doing it! :0)
Got to tell you, if a cake is ‘oozing’ through anything, then it’s not cooked enough. I bet this tasted nice though, looks to me like huge biscuits
and everyone makes mistakes. And I agree, some instructions just *want* you to fail.