cool beans

I just sent an email requesting information for an upcoming local event.

Using my blog email.

D’OH!

After dinner tonight, the kids and I hung out in my room watching American Idol. The last contestant of the night (whose name I can’t remember but he was funny and thought the celebrity he most resembles is Christina Aguilera. HA!) was asked, “Why are you here?” He responded, “To make David Hasselhoff cry.“

To which my daughter said in her very 9 year-old girl voice, “David Hasselhoff?! But he’s DEAD.”

Like, duh.

Then American Idol was over and I made the kids go to bed early because Influenza eats your face if you don’t get enough sleep. I turned to MTV for the new Road Rules. I watched for 45 seconds and decided it sucks. Why can’t they put these cats in an RV with no money and send them out to work and risk their lives and never shower and smuggle themselves into hotel rooms? I want the original, pre-Survivor “voting off” Road Rules of my youth.

Also, I like Adam’s hair better when it’s longer. So that was disappointing.

I flipped to Real Housewives of Orange County (I’m not linking to that. It feels like a commitment.) It was a rerun with that one blond, big-lipped, super superficial woman* yelling at someone on the phone because they sent a FAMILY VAN to pick up SIX PEOPLE and why would you ever send a FAMILY VAN? I’ve seen that one already (twice) so I decided to finish cleaning my kitchen.

*Ahahahaha! Let’s play Name That Nightmare Barbie!

This makes me feel better.

As the countdown to unemployment continues, I catch myself grinding my teeth a lot. Two weeks from today, I will be jobless and toothless. (Note to self: must buy blender and straws before my last check runs out.)

I’m hoping for good things and unable to share what good things I’m hoping for so the universe (mostly, people who don’t like me) cannot send specifically negative vibes my way. Keeping quiet is like a shield of positivity.

If I expect to maintain this kind of optimism, I will require more medication. Or I’ll just want it. Either way. Bring it.

I try to limit my intake of popular “pop” music in the colder months. Pussycat Dolls and solo Gwen Stefani are only excusable in the summer. But I can’t help myself with Fergalicious*. Who knew spelling could be so much fun? (someone please make it stop.)

*I’ll let you decide if you want to watch. Because it is YouTube, you will have the option of watching the real video or Sims or Anime or bored 8th graders who are up in the gym workin’ on their fitniss! If you stray even one click off your path to Fergaliciousness, you may find yourself watching a Japanese cartoon about potty-training. And then once more with subtitles. Totally by accident. Who can resist dancing poo? Not you. So get over there and start clicking!

Recent, awesome Google search terms that led people here:

no beans on tuesday
beans tv
sex in miss v

And my new all-time favorite (which was in all caps like this when I found it):

I LIKE WOMEN WITH MISSING MOLARS

I typically spend Sunday afternoons pushing all our dirty laundry through the washer and dryer. As the day wears on, my couch disappears under the piles of clean clothes and towels. In the evening, I rescue my suffocating couch and fold everything into neat little stacks while watching addicts get ambushed on Intervention. I love how we all wrap things up in an hour and work through the chaos of addiction and unfolded laundry.

Last night I had a little headache because I’d forgotten to drink any caffeine during the course of the day. I made a little cup of tea and took my bedtime meds and thought I’d be fine. After the second episode of Intervention, I dozed on the couch, half-listening to Mark and Olly fret over their need for a new crib and that said new crib would be something like 80 feet off the ground. After twenty minutes of that, I woke up fully, experiencing the single most intense headache of my life. My right eyeball was being squeezed and my right ear was ringing. I felt like I was going to be sick and before my husband got me into bed with a washcloth on my face, I really thought a trip to the hospital was on our agenda.

This morning I woke up with just a shadow of a headache that went away with some Advil. But once I was at work, I started feeling like I might get sick (unfortunately, I was right). Back at home and between stomach cramps, I slept on the couch and dreamt crazy things - something about a school or museum and letting the animals run free. Penguins with metal beaks? Totally crazy. Then someone was chasing me and I ran to a house. At first I couldn’t shut the door because he was trying to get in. I told myself, “You can shut this door.” And I did. I was holding a small knife and I used it to poke at doors to open them. The home’s interior was very 1970’s and I thought, “This house needs some major updating.” I came to a kitchen with a television in the far corner. There was a jumble of pictures on the screen, none of them discernible. I stood in front of it and said, “Show me what I’m supposed to see.” The mishmash of flashing images went away and I saw the silhouette of someone sinking into a boxy arm chair to watch television. And then I woke up.

You know what I got out of all of this? I need to stop sleeping on the couch.

How did I ever write on this thing? Did I have stuff to say? I need to get my groove back. I’m sitting here looking at the cursor thinking, “I don’t have anything to talk about.” Which is particularly insane if you consider what’s been going on lately.

In July I confronted my abuser. In August my mother kicked him out of the house. In September my grandfather died while my husband was working out of state. In October I stopped thinking about killing myself every minute of the day. In November I held my breath to get through Thanksgiving. In December I didn’t get Christmas cards from any of my aunts. In January I quit my job.

I want to write about all these things. I don’t know that they’ll be in that order.

I had to make a decision about the comments. I liked having Blogger comments because it felt neat and tidy. But then all my Haloscan comments were gone. I think that made me look really unpopular which is so not true! Because you and I know that Canada digs me. I want everyone else to see how into me Canada is. So, Haloscan comments are back and until I figure out the “new” Blogger, I’m stuck with a regular old template.

Dislaimer: Clicking the first link takes you to YouTube where you will see a very violent and super yucky scene from “24″.

Did you see the season premiere? Didya? Let me just give you a quick summary.

Jack Bauer is a Flatlining Vampire.

Pure comedy.
(Thanks to my sister for point out the significance of the flatline. We are brilliant, baby.)

I see that someone from the office is checking in on me. If it’s you, don’t be shy. Tell me what you think. I’m only in the office for a few more weeks!