cool beans

I’m under the weather (that means I FEEL LIKE GARBAGE) and the whole week has been non-stop activity. I can’t even remember everything I’ve done. That’s probably because of all the tequila.

I’m supposed to be at the chiropractor right now, but I woke up 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment.

The Toddler is standing here telling me, “I wan Barbie in base-sent” and “I wanna drink a pock drinkapock drinkapock!” and “Mommy, I wanna wap.”

I need a super power that allows me to stop time. Suspend the rest of the world so I can rest and catch up. A pause button for the universe.

One of you craftier types work on that for me, please. Thank you.

Like, omigod! Remember that one time? When I got in a bar fight? I KNOW! Totally crazy! I have a big mouth.

I have had zero time, energy and subject matter. Unless you count griping. Then I have plenty.

A few thoughts:

1. No matter how much I wash my hands and wipe down surfaces, I will get the cold the children suffer from because I can’t stop kissing The Toddler.
2. I’m sick, dudes.
3. My friend who lives TOO FAR AWAY temporarily* for the last … well, more than a decade now, I think, will be “home” in less than 48 hours.
4. I still haven’t scrubbed the kitchen floor or shampooed the carpets.
5. Some people remember to check their smoke detectors when they set their clocks forward and back. I remember to buy a new shower curtain and bath mat when my friend comes home. Her mother lives down the street. No one in her family ever showers here.
6. I’m kind of weird.
7. Someone from the government keeps visiting my blog. Hello, Government Employee! It looks like you’re enjoying our time together. I have to tell you, though, it’s freaking me out just a titch. Could you say, “Hi, I’m not going to arrest you.” or “Something.” That’d be awesome.
8. Is it time for National Delurking Day yet?
9. Um. That’s all I really have, but I want to get to 10 because I’m really close.
10. I would like more hot tea. Thank you.

*I’m sure she doesn’t think it is temporary. Telling myself it is temporary helps me cope.

Recently, I talked about Zefrank and the flower making crack for your brain. Since then I’ve watched all the The Show archives. In the comments of Friday’s show, I found a link to a Warren St. John’s interview with Ze. There is a point where Ze discusses the comments left on his site and says, “The show was better when you had more songs.” I laughed out loud right then because Mr. St. John’s face reminds me of my own when I see gooey chocolate cake. “Must mush my face against it.”

I understand, though. I’m finding Mr. Frank particularly crush-worthy myself.

Just a little over a year ago, my seriously awesome sister in-law went and got married. She likes me a little (or hates me a lot, depending how you look at it, I guess) and asked me to be a part of the big day. I love her to little bits and pieces so I said yes and then, being me, had a personal crisis about my appearance.

“I did not want to be the oldest, fattest and palest bridesmaid. In this case, two out of three is bad enough. So, I did what any desperate and insane person would do two days before a big public event.

I went and had myself spray-painted. Duh.“

This meme is like, so five years ago or something. I had to do it. It was on my To-Do list and everything else on that list required a lot more effort. Typing this only made me sweat a teensy bit.

1. I am 31 years old.
2. I like cheese.
3. I am a fan of chairs.
4. I have an ass and thighs and stomach and upper arms and chins to prove #2 and #3.
5. I was a natural blonde when I was 17. Now I’m blonde, naturally.
6. I had childhood asthma.
7. I don’t have a lot of happy childhood memories.
8. I don’t have a lot of any childhood memories.
9. I like volunteering.
10. I’d rather sit, thank you.
11. I like to swim.
12. I’ve never traveled outside the United States.
13. I have a fondness for Canadians.
14. I was in marching band all four years of high school.*
15. I was a drum major for two years.*
16. I played the alto sax from Fifth through Twelfth Grade. Badly.
17. I’m better at being bossy.
18. I like cooking, but I hate my kitchen.
19. I have freckles.
20. I get sunburned very easily.
21. I’ve always wished I could tan.
22. I am not athletic.
23. I like to read.
24. I love movies.
25. I enjoy reality television.
26. I like brussels sprouts.
27. Avocado makes my stomach feel greasy.
28. I like roller coasters but hate single Ferris Wheels (doubles are usually okay).
29. I like Ferris Bueller.
30. When I want to feel good and content and happy, I remember myself on a particular day in Autumn 1991. Who I was in that moment, I wish I could be forever.
31. I love my kids, but I worry I’m screwing them up.
32. I wish my brain had an On/Off switch.
33. I laugh a lot.
34. A lot of the time I spend laughing, I’m laughing at someone else.
35. I’m only sorry about that sometimes.
36. I swear a lot.
37. My favorite “bad word” is “Motherfucker.”
38. In front of the substitute teacher, I told another 7th Grade student, “That woman has something up her ass.” I also said something about not being the one to remove it. But I don’t remember exactly how I put that.
39. I miss my fearless self.
40. I don’t miss the 7th Grade teacher “that woman” was subbing for. He spent too much time rubbing backs checking for bra straps.
41. In 8th Grade, I argued with a pastor about his idea that people shouldn’t cuss and women in particular should never swear because women carry life in their bodies.
42. I like coffee.
43. I like beverages in general.
44. A few years ago a friend stayed at my house and I didn’t put sheets on the couch. I think about that almost weekly. I’m sorry.
45. Overall, I like my husband’s family more than I think most people like their in-laws. I really love his aunts. So much it makes me cry.
46. I used to be a smoker. Sometimes, I miss the first drag and fiddling with the lighter.
47. I could only quit smoking when I knew I wanted to try to get pregnant.
48. My husband and I won’t ever make another baby.
49. I can never smoke again. Not even one tiny little smoky sip.
50. I’d rather eat, anyway.
51. I wish I could stay home with my children.
52. I got a pair of roller skates in 4th Grade. I wore them almost constantly for four years.
53. I still have a crease on my foot where the skates would rub and sometimes cause a blister.
54. The skates are currently in my basement with a lot of other childhood artifacts. Covered with a green blanket.
55. A State Trooper saw my boobs.
56. My favorite pair of panties ever were a denim colored fabric with white eyelet ruffles at the front thigh and a red bow in the center. The State Trooper saw those, too. His name was Mark.
57. I didn’t get in trouble. My boyfriend didn’t either. He also didn’t get lucky.
58. After that, he had to marry me.
59. I married my husband on a the first Monday afternoon of 1994. It was snowing.
60. The dress I wore for my high school graduation also became my wedding dress.
61. After I gave birth to my oldest child, I had a nap and a peanut butter cookie.
62. I have a crush on Bam Margera.
63. I have a crush Ryan Dunn. But I wouldn’t tell Ryan Dunn because my crush on him is a bit more serious.
64. #63 is a secret, Internet.
65. Attached ear lobes generally freak me out.
66. I like crooked teeth. But they have to be the right kind of crooked.
67. I’m allergic to aspartame (NutraSweet). This limits my gum and breath mint options.
68. I’m allergic to honey. Even a drizzle in your House Latte at Panera.
69. One of my favorite movies is “Romeo and Juliet” with Olivia Hussey.
70. My yearbooks are among my favorite possessions.
71. I wear two pieces of jewelry every day: My wedding ring and a necklace given to me by a friend.
72. I love babies.
73. Old women fascinate, infuriate and amuse me.
74. I’m probably allergic to your perfume.
75. I don’t knit or sew or paint or cross-stitch or collect things.
76. I would collect music boxes, but I don’t want musical jewelry boxes or music playing figurines. So it just feels like too much work.
77. I wish I knew how to play the piano.
78. I believe non-hot guys can up their hotness by playing the piano.
79. Since my husband doesn’t play the piano, I should probably delete #78. But I tell my husband all the time that I find him attractive so he can shut it.
80. I think I should delete #78 and #79.
81. You should play a trivia game with me so I can KILL YOU WITH MY SUPERIORITY IN ALL THINGS TRIVIAL. Seriously. Bring a helmet.
82. I do not buy groceries for my family. I make a list, my husband shops. Then I complain that he didn’t get the right thing and he tells me to do it myself and I say, “Oh, I’m not mad. It’s the stupid store’s fault. You’re fine! You did a good job! Look! Boobies!”
83. My feet reek.
84. I’m missing a molar.
85. I’m not sharing what I originally typed on this line.
86. I like making lists.
87. If I make a to-do list, I rarely complete it.
88. I love DELEGATING.
89. I like the way the public library smells.
90. I sit on the floor between the stacks of books. I never see anyone else doing this. It might be against the rules.
91. Making this list was fairly easy until I got to #86 and ran out of steam. Now I’m really thinking about it.
92. I can roll my tongue and wiggle my ears.
93. I can’t believe I ever drank Zima in public.
94. Yes, I will do a shot of tequila with you.
95. My face gets red when I drink. It’s worse when I drink beer. I’m fairly certain I’m allergic to Gin. On account of it making breathing difficult.
96. I’m searching for that one person who loves Jolly Ranchers but hates the cherry ones. Does that describe you? If so, we are meant to share packages of hard candy, my friend.
97. I hate driving in unfamiliar cities. I won’t drive in large, unfamiliar cities at all.
98. I nearly always beat my husband at poker.
99. I look good in pink.
100. I made list after list of names for future children. I didn’t actually use any of them. I’m proud of myself for that.

*Do you know George Parks? Do you know about S.W.A.G.? How is your marble? Do you remember Jeremy from Chicago? Jason from Minneapolis? Why don’t I remember any girls from camp? Weird.

I’d been fretting and fussing about turning 30, but my kids made it totally worth getting old. This post will always be a favorite. I’ve never gone back and edited the picture sizes, so they may run into the sidebar. If you view the archive page for all of October 2004, you’ll have to scroll for this entry, but the pictures shouldn’t run into sidebar content.

What my kids did for me when I turned O-L-D.

Liz said nice things to me and then told me about Zefrank. I’m glad she did. He thinks so I don’t have to. His flower maker thing? It is crack.

And now, a meme:

I AM: copying this meme from people who don’t know me.

I WANT: The Toddler to take a nap.

I WISH: I were on vacation.

I HATE: too much.

I MISS: being a teenager during summer break.

I HEAR: my kids doing chores, my fingers stroking the keys. My son and husband discussing the death of a rock star. “…probably…choked on his own puke.” Awesome.

I WONDER: if I’ll ever be satisfied.

I REGRET: not being able to answer this honestly.

I AM NOT: from Ohio.

I DANCE: for myself when I’m drunk and to make people laugh when I’m sober.

I SING: in my car with Ashlee Simpson. “EL-Oh-El-Oh-El-Oh-El-oh VEE EEE!” (Please don’t tell anybody about this. Let’s keep it between us, okay? Thanks.)

I CRY: a lot and too much and often and especially in church.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: fearless, funny, interesting, cool, happy, certain, honest, good.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: “I make with my hands”? What a stupid way to start a sentence. I’m not crafty. Mostly, I make words with my hands. And soap lather. Lots of soap lather.

I WRITE: to release, to remember, to share, for attention.

I CONFUSE: my husband.

I NEED: to scrub the kitchen floor. Two months ago.

I SHOULD: take a shower, go back to school, quit my job, stop thinking things to death, eat less cheese.

I START: things and then realize I would like to have or do this other thing before I do this thing and put this thing on hold until I have all the necessary things in place and then never finish the original thing.

I FINISH: dessert. All the dessert. Otherwise, I finish very little.

On July 21, 2004 I wrote:

Speaking of rope…my oldest child will not go to bed and stay in bed. Nothing I do or say will convince him that he doesn’t need to get up and have conversations with me at 10pm when he’s supposed to be asleep already! I am trying very hard to be patient and gentle with all of my children, but this behavior from my oldest is wearing me out. I have entertained the idea of strapping him in kinda like this mom did, but I do love my boy and don’t want to have to hassle with all the buckles and straps.

Two years later, he still doesn’t stay in bed. One thing I’m not, people, is “all about progress.”

I’ve been at this blogging business for two years at the end of June. Longer if you count the blog I kept for ten seconds before that. So, to celebrate my two year and ten seconds anniversary of blogging, I’m going to dig through the archives and hold up the entries I think are funny, stupid or funny and stupid. Also, I’m feeling really lazy and was considering a blog-break. This might bridge a gap.

Originally posted on September 16, 2005. I still feel the same way about exposed girly butt crack and personal phone calls. I stand by my love for a package deal, though I’m getting better about the bagels from home. Also? Bagels have 300 calories or something. Holy crap. That’s a lot of calories. I don’t think I’ve made lasagna since mid-September of 2005.

Random notes from the last week:

1. If your butt crack shows when you sit down in those jeans, consider not wearing them. Or consider not wearing them to a restaurant. Because you’ll sit in front of me, you know you will, and every time you tug your tshirt lower and then casually brush your fingers over your back to see if your crack is sticking out, I’ll see you. You and your butt crack and you fingering your butt crack.

2. I should make and take more personal calls. Because, really, it’s my turn I think.

3. If you use the microwave to heat lasagna and it explodes, clean the microwave. Or I will daydream about strangling you. And that’s almost like practice. Someday, when I do strangle you, I’m going to be so good at it.*

4. I used to like Pringles. Now I don’t. In fact, I can’t stand the smell of Pringles and don’t like it when other people eat them. So knock it off.

5. Coffee made from beans I’ve ground myself is better than the drip coffee I buy at the usual spot. But bagels toasted in my own toaster with cream cheese from my own fridge are not as good as bagels at the usual spot and I like a package deal.

6. If this is what I have to complain about, I don’t really have any problems at all. Life is good.

*In the event someone is strangled, please note that this cannot be used as evidence against me. Because we all know that I have CTS in my right hand and while my technique and style might be impressive, I lack the strength to do more than tickle with that hand.

So, like, be warned. Explode pasta dishes in the microwave and endure moderately painful pressure on one side of your neck while being tickled on the other.

Gitchy-goo.