This week, my son told me, “Mom, my teacher sent home a note and you have to read it and sign it. It is important but I don’t know what it says because she told us not to read it.”

Stupidly, I assumed it was a note telling us some of the kids had been caught playing with knives, getting high, selling guns, making meth, or producing porn. Or something minor like that. What I read caused my jaw to drop to the floor with a ker-klunk because I wasn’t prepared for this note.

It was THE NOTE that gives the school permission to tell your child all about: “The New Improved Me: Understanding Body Changes”.

I started to chuckle at my initial reaction because really, this is no big deal. Except, it is a big deal if you are eleven and girls are icky and seeing women in bathing suits on the television is one of the grossest things that ever happens to you. It’s a big deal if you know that hair will someday pop out of your face, armpits and chest, but not if you didn’t realize it also grows there. But not exactly there and now you’re hearing your mother say “balls” and she’s not talking sports. It’s also a big deal if you’re the mom and when you said, “I want a baby. We should have a baby.” you kind of thought you’d be cuddling and nursing and cooing and playing peek-a-boo for eighteen years. You’re not thinking this far in advance. (Are you? Because if you’re currently making little children and you’ve already got this base covered, shut up. We aren’t friends. You might be able to make it up to me by buying some coffee.)

He asked if I was signing the note and if I was going to “make” him watch the video. I told him he didn’t have to, but that I thought he should. It might explain things better than I could and that he might be disappointed if I didn’t sign it and then he had to do something else while his classmates watched the video. So he said okay, but his nose was all wrinkled up in that “Oh this is really disgusting” way.

Then he had questions. “I want to be prepared, Mom.” I stood in my kitchen trying to imagine what the video would cover. Would they watch the girls’ portion of the video? Probably, so I mentioned breasts and periods and had to answer, “What’s a period? NO, wait. Don’t tell me. Is it gross? Okay. Tell me. NO! DON’T.” But I did tell him. I was happy to because I know how to explain that. But what do they tell boys? I knew they’d talk about hair and voice changes and maybe starting to like girls. Then I took a guess and tried to explain wet dreams. Holy crap, that’s not easy. Stop for a second and imagine how to describe that to your completely squicked-out son.

It is freaking impossible to be all smooth and shit if you’re going in unprepared! “No, it’s not pee, exactly. Do you know what sperm are? It’s the stuff that carries the sperm. It’s thicker. It’s like…watery silly putty? I think. Maybe they won’t even talk about that. But when it happens, YOU WILL KNOW. I promise.”

The next day I Googled the video title and found the company’s website. I was pleased that I covered most of what he’d see on the video. But then I saw there are two versions. One that mentions masturbation and says it’s normal and another version that doesn’t mention it at all.

Since he wanted to be prepared, I had to know if I needed to mention it. Not because I’m opposed to mentioning it and deeming it natural, but because my son would have flipped his lid if I didn’t tell him they were going to talk about that. So I called the school nurse. She said they use the version without mention (which is what I assumed and had secretly prayed for.) She also said they’d see drawings of The Bits. So last night I told my son they’d see pictures - not photographs, just drawings. And then he made that face again. I said, “I want you to try to remember it’s your body. Just like your lungs or your circulatory system. It’s a part of your body and it’s normal.” At that point, his younger sister walked in the room and said, “What’s normal?” To which I replied, “Your elbow. Your elbow is a perfectly normal part of your body.”

To my disbelief and to my son’s intense amusement, she said, “Oh.” and went on her merry way.

Thank God.