cool beans

The Funk that lurks in the dark corners of my mental state has stretched its long and sticky arms and is presently trying to suffocate my pysche. For some reason, my marbles get lost this time of year. I decided I’m not going to order medication this time. I called my therapist today instead. Of course, she’s out of the office until Tuesday. Until then, I might be laying low. Come in with the milk.

On account of The Funk and such, I hadn’t planned on writing anything when I sat down here tonight. However, I came across this post that discusses and questions human milk donation. And I couldn’t not say something about that.

If that’s not enough to keep you busy, Lou is looking for stuff to do, too. I’ve already left my suggestion. And then I punched myself in the face for saying something so uppity and frou-frou. Froo-froo? I DON’T KNOW! (Neither does Blogger’s spellchecker.)

Someone pointed out that I said we were going out of town for the weekend, but I hadn’t followed up with trip details. The reason? We were kind of being lazy and hoping our hotel room neighbors would tell you about it first. Apparently, they don’t have a blog yet! So, unlucky for you, I’m giving you the PG version. This is an actual email written for someone I’ve decided is most certainly not the scary stalker/terrible killer type. I have edited and made slanty any details that could lead you to my front door without having to Google much at all. I’ve also slantedized the naughty bits that maybe I shouldn’t publish about myself on the Ninnernet.

We left around noon-thirty* on Saturday (a full 90 minutes later than I wanted to. But that was my fault.) and returned at 5:30 on Sunday. We went to a Great Big Huge Store and I ordered a digital camera**. It isn’t Dooce’s camera, but it should do. It better because it’s all I’m getting for now. Then we checked into a barely adequate hotel and went to dinner at A Restaurant where I had barbeque that made me happy.
We went to a casino in Another City in Another State after that. Gambling is legal in Another State and Another City is just over the bridge from The City With The Great Big Huge Store. The Man and I had a couple drinks and played video poker while he waited for a seat at a Hold ‘Em table. He got his seat in less than the expected three-hour wait and I wandered the casino and talked to old people. The casino isn’t a happy place. It is sad to see so many people who are quite obviously struggling to buy socks feeding big bills into slot machines. The man next to me at the bar playing video poker knew the bartender and other staff really well and talked about the previous night’s visit while he fed a one hundred dollar bill into the machine. Very sad.

But I made $62 at video poker. The Man lost $60 at real poker. “I [won] my two dollars!”

When I got tired of wandering the casino, I walked down to the hotel part of the casino. There was a cute little bar with megahot barmaids. *not panting not panting not panting* The breasts were spectacular. Anyway, there was this punk/ska/latin/blues/rock band playing. They were amazing. I’ve since purchased all their cds.

Someday I’ll tell you about this band and how much you should love on them. They are even better live. High energy and awesome.

Hotel room neighbors hate us. Yay!

We went to A Sporting Goods Place in Another City on Sunday morning. We wandered around lazily. The Man spent well over $200 (on fishing stuff? What the HELL. Use a worm, dude. A WORM. They’re free!), but he had a bundle of money in gift cards from Christmas. Then we went to the mall so I could look for jeans. I found three pairs that fit me well enough and I found several shirts I wanted really bad. I only took home one tank and shirt, though, because three pairs of jeans was insanely expensive. But they fit! Hurrah! But I think it’s safe to say my year-end bonus is GONZO.

Then we came home and my sister was watching the kids at our house. She’d folded a basket of laundry, washed another load, and washed and replaced my bedsheets. And then we all made out because clean sheets turn me on.

The Toddler woke up that night with a hacky cough and a very runny nose which doesn’t make him more marketable, believe me. He’s going through a really cranky period and if he didn’t come up with new sentences on a daily basis, I’d trade him in. Too much cranky.

It was a good trip. We got a little lost looking for the mall. If you call driving for an hour no where near the mall “lost”, that is. But it was a nice getaway and I was very relaxed and happy on Sunday. Bliss.

*Yeah, I said NOON-THIRTY.

**Camera arrived Wednesday. I’ve played with it for about ten minutes and haven’t even hooked it up to the computer becase The Toddler is a CAMERA HOG. Gawd! Gitoffame!

Mr. Johnson says:

I believe it is more than okay for the events and drama of real life to be brought out of the closet and depicted on TV. But was “The Book of Daniel” a fair representation of most American families? I don’t believe it was. I think the characters and their problems were vastly overblown. They weren’t making good choices and it wasn’t clear exactly why they were making one bad decision after another. That only leads me to believe the show was indeed written to shock and mock rather than make us care about any of the characters.

Certainly, if the members of my household were each struggling with heavy issues like substance abuse, grief over the loss of a child, criminal activity, and sexuality all at the same time, we would be in a state of crisis, not normalcy. I think that’s a point too many people are missing.

We heard from my brother this weekend. They’d been moved to a different location that afforded him fewer opportunities to communicate with us. Hopefully they’ll be moved soon to another location with better support. Until I saw his email in my inbox this morning, I hadn’t realized just how much I’d been holding my breath.

I know a lot of you have remembered my brother and my family in your prayers or have otherwise sent positive vibes our way. We are very grateful.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Coolbeans!

1. Coolbeans is actually a mammal, not a fish.
2. It takes 8 minutes for light to travel from the Sun’s surface to coolbeans!
3. Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of coolbeans in a day.
4. Coolbeans will give a higher yield if milked when listening to music.
5. If you kiss coolbeans for one minute you will burn six or seven calories!
6. Coolbeansocracy is government by coolbeans.
7. Ostriches stick their heads in coolbeans not to hide but to look for water!
8. The National Heart Foundation recommends eating coolbeans at least three times a week!
9. There are now more than 4000 satellites orbiting coolbeans.
10. Coolbeans can live for up to a week without a head!

(Isn’t it weird for me to update in the middle of a weekday? I KNOW! I’m home for lunch and got inspired by The Snozzberry Girl.)

Though we’ve been married T W E L V E Y E A R S, we haven’t completely lost our ability to be spontaneous. To prove it, we decided yesterday that we were going to dump our children into someone else’s yard and take an overnight road trip. We only have one definite destination and we’ll make the rest up as we go. We don’t even have hotel reservations! WOO! Exciting. This is life on the edge.

Have a wonderful weekend!

(It would be irresponsible to omit the fact that to make babysitting arrangements I placed three calls to my mother in-law, two to my husband who was playing poker with the boys [sorry, honey!], two calls to my sister, and three calls to church volunteers to get nursery coverage for tomorrow morning. Before we leave, I have to pack one bag for us and two bags for the kids overnight stay at my in-laws, put one carseat in my sister’s car so she can pick the kids up and bring them back to my house tomorrow morning, the other carseat in my in-laws car and yell at everyone enough to make up for the yelling hours I won’t get in this weekend. Also, I had to seriously work the comma in this last bit here. Being spontaneous rocks.)

I know it’s T.V.-Free Tuesday and this is all about television, but if I don’t post this now, I won’t get to until tomorrow night at the earliest and I don’t want to wait!

I don’t generally watch prime time television and if I do, it’s usually “reality”. A couple weeks ago, I was watching The Ghost Whisperer and had to call my mother to make sure she wasn’t a regular viewer of that particular piece of unbelievable garbage. Because it smelled like something my mom might watch and, seriously. Ms. Love Hewitt? STOP WITH THE FALSE EYELASHES!

Then my mother told me about The Book of Daniel kicking off that night and had to watch to see for myself. I watched the full two hours of the premiere. I wasn’t offended by the religious aspect of the show because, come on, it’s not worth taking seriously. However, for a bunch of other reasons I mostly thought it was ridiculous and grating. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Daughter gets arrested for selling pot. Parents yell at her: “What is everyone going to think? You’re making us look bad! We don’t care enough about you to ask why you needed money! It’s all about US! Go get ready for church!” and don’t really talk to her until the end of the show.

2. Mom drinks every time things get heavy. This doesn’t portray her in a very positive light, does it? Weak woman has to escape into the glass when things get messy? Also, she’s SUPER CRANKY. Also, her sister comes to the house in a seriously unhappy state of mind and what does she do? Tells her to shut the hell up. And then gets a herself a drink.

3. All the dialogue is highly antagonistic. “You suck.” “Well, you suck more.” “I’m making fun of you now.” “Thinly veiled insult.” “I hate you and me and The Universe.” “DIE!”

4. Jesus showed up every time the dad opened a bottle of Vicodin. (Which is really just MEAN to tease me like that. I tried it. IT DOESN’T WORK.)

5. The gay kid is the “good” kid. Now, one might argue that this is kind of nice, but there is something that screams “MEGA-OFFENSIVE TOKEN!” even louder than the adopted Asian child. Which brings us to number…

6. The Asian child’s first words? Weren’t they something like, “Ah-So” as he BOWED? We really can’t be more clever than that?

7. Jesus is really, really pale and in desperate need of a trim. And some conditioner.

8. Everybody knows when you’re driving in your car, talking to yourself, Jesus isn’t riding shotgun. Bam Margera is. Duh.

9. The brother in-law stole 3 million dollars from the church? THREE MILLION? Where is this church sitting on three million dollars?

10. The two old people had sex. GAH! Stop that! SQUICK!

After watching the show (and even after just thinking about watching the show), I feel aggressive and angry. I’m afraid anyone who tries to speak to me afterward is running the risk of having their face chomped off.

Unless I’m holding a martini, of course.

Tonight I watched some of my son’s Taekwondo class. The group was largely fidgety and disrespectful. I was embarrassed for them. It had to nail every cell in my body to my chair so I wouldn’t get up and start giving many of them the what-for. My son was well-behaved, and that is good. The lecture would have been fierce.

I started reading Unplugging The Plug-In Drug. I thought this was the book I’ve seen people discussing online, but I guess it isn’t. I talked to my son about limiting television every day during the week and he is in favor. Please note: I started with the easiest one to convince. It’s uphill from here.

I’ve started reading The Magician’s Nephew* to the kids. I was on the fence about reading it first, as the publisher insists (by putting the little number “1″ on the book!), or reading it later as I’ve read C.S. Lewis preferred. It’s numbered! I can’t read it out of order. Gah! We read two chapters tonight.

The Toddler is monstrous lately. We attended the contemporary worship service Saturday night and I spent the time praying for patience by the truckload. He was unwilling to listen to the story tonight, but was happy to jump on us and hit us. I don’t like spanking (and don’t need comments giving me permission to spank, but thank you) but OH MY GOD, what do I do when he’s all up the wall like that? GAH!

Dinner for T.V.-Free Tuesday will be French Dip sandwiches and whatever else I think of between now and then. I make awesome French Dip. You’re jealous you won’t be here. Neener. Afterward, we’ll play games or read and keep our fingers crossed we’ve set the DVD recorder to record American Idol correctly. Which I will watch SO LATE on Tuesday night, it will almost be like watching it on Wednesday! So there!

Though I’m not overly concerned, it is a drag that we haven’t heard from my brother in approximately ten days. I believe his company or unit or gang or herd (I don’t know what they call it!) was scheduled to be on the move from one place to another inside Iraq. We haven’t heard bad news, and are assuming no news is good news. If you are so inclined, a prayer for their safe travel would be deeply appreciated.

*This set is so much less expensive now than it was before Christmas. D’oh!

Occasionally I like to visit my own archives because 1) I LOVE MYSELF! and 2) I like to see where I was mentally a year ago. I looked back exactly one year from today and guess what? I’m pretty much STILL THERE. Only slightly less homicidal blissfully happy about employment and it’s unseasonably warm this weekend. And I can’t control the weather, so that doesn’t really count. The kitchen floor is still treacherous and I always have more things to complain about. If you’re looking for a girl who is both lazy and whiney, you’ve found me. Lucky you. Muah.

Something that also caught my attention: I suck at post titles. Why did I call the entry for January 14, 2005, “Literacy Is Fun”? Because really, if I was referring to having read Bridget Jones’s Diary, I’m an idiot. I didn’t read it. I listened to it on tape in my car. And I liked it so much, I’d do it again!

Don’t forget it’s De-lurking Week. Don’t just surf on through. Please take a minute to stop and say hello wherever you land this week in Blogland. Thanks to this campaign, I’ve added a few new blogs to my Bloglines subscription.

Our return to T.V.-Free Tuesday was a big hit. The man tossed a pizza in the oven, I threw together a salad and we all ate dinner together at the kitchen table. After we tidied up the kitchen, I made popcorn and we gathered around the table again for a game.

My son had wanted to play The Game of Life - which he got for Christmas - but we haven’t assembled it yet and I thought it might be too involved a game for the whole family (really, just The Toddler, Master of Destruction). My daughter suggested a Barbie Princess game she got last Christmas that we’ve never played. Why? Um, maybe because it involves wearing feathery, sparkly tiaras? I don’t think we could get the guys to play along with that one.

Since I’m The Mom and also quite bossy, I choose Pig Mania - the original version of Pass The Pigs. This is a super cute little game that’s a bit like Yahtzee, I think. Two little rubber pigs are rolled like dice out of a little cup. The way the pigs land determines the player’s score. I’ve heard whisperings that this game was popular as an adult drinking game years ago, but minus the booze, it’s excellent for building math skills.

My husband picked up the Maroon5 CD that’s been on my wish list for ages. I played it before dinner and The Toddler and I danced in the kitchen together. I knew he had some wicked dance moves, but he pulled out all the stops and dazzled me with this mad break-dancing skills. I’m still having trouble believing he spun around on the floor like that. I wish I could hit “Rewind” and see that again.