Very Mom said, “Please tell me your orange feet are the same reason I have orange feet.”
I don’t know why your feet are orange so I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, Very Mom. Please, have that barf bowl handy.
I tried on a rather pale green dress for my sister in-law’s wedding and panicked. See, I’m white like milk. I burst into flames in direct sunlight. The only way I get “tan” is when my freckles pop up and spread out and bump into each other.
I think you get it.
So, I did not want to be the oldest, fattest and palest bridesmaid. In this case, two out of three is bad enough. So, I did what any desperate and insane person would do two days before a big public event.
I went and had myself spray-painted. Duh.
When I called to make the appointment, the nice lady told me I should have it done twice in a row because the first time is like a base, see, and the second time makes the tan deep and gorgeous and stuff. Also, it’s $25 for one session and $45 for two sessions. That, my friends, is a BARGAIN. SOLD! Sign me up!
I went in on Thursday night and because I’d been feeling very dizzy all week, my sister drove me. Inside, there were two fancy looking ladies, one very thin and one - fed. When the fed lady stood up and said, “You’ve got me!”, my sister and I both exhaled and you could hear us thinking in unison, “Thank god it’s not the skinny one.”
Because we are shallow and mean. And we will eat you.
I climbed the stairs behind her and left my sister sitting alone in the waiting area, looking ill on my behalf. Upstairs, I walked into a room that was sage green around the edges, but Crayola Brown everywhere else. She left me alone in the room so I could undress…
UNDRESS. Next to naked, people. Are you getting this?
Let’s skip ahead. So, she sprayed me with an airbrushy thing and then I stood in front of a fan and contemplated my new leg color (I couldn’t really check out my arms because I would have left a paint crease in my neck.) It was crazy. Standing there, drying off my freshly painted blubber, wondering if I looked tan or if I just looked a little dirty. I looked at the little toe on my right foot and wondered if maybe I should rub it on the floor because it looked a little clumpy. But when I tried to bend, I realized I’d get a knee crease. Or, I could move this other way and make an ankle crease. I certainly couldn’t bend down because that would make creases you don’t want to know about.
I dressed and in a dizzy and panicky state, I searched the upstairs for a mirror but couldn’t find one that reassured me. So I returned to my sister and tried desperately to read her face when she first saw me. I kept glancing at her nervously as I wrote my check - for both appointments, mind you. I was in this for good now. Anyway, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
I asked her, “Do I look tan or dirty?” She giggled, “Tan. No. REALLY! You look tan!” More giggling. I asked, “Do I look like C. Thomas Howell?” She said, “No.” But too quickly! I knew she knew what I meant!* Which could only mean that I did look like C. Thomas Howell and had mentally rehearsed her response should I ask that very question! Then she changed the subject.
The voices in my head were chattering furiously. “You’re a muppet!” “You look tan!” “You look like Pigpen!” “We should have dinner!” “I sweat a lot.” “Oops.” “You’ll be the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” “He said BROWN! AHAHAHA!”
So, of course I kept my appointment the next morning.
And then panicked some more and emailed a friend and called a friend and made my sister come over and decided to scrub my skin off with sandpaper and Magic Erasers and then went to my hair stylist who said, “Oh, no. You totally look tan.”
Argh!
And I did look tan, I think. On my chest and back, especially. Those parts looked great and that’s what I was going for in the first place. My feet, however, were orange. They soaked up too much color and looked fakey. But that’s okay. The dress was long. Whew.
So, Very Mom, have you been spray painting yourself in your free time?
*If you know what I meant and can find a picture of what I’m talking about, please let me know. I have looked for 30 minutes and can’t find one and it’s making me cranky.
