cool beans

I’m not in the habit of doing memes because doing them regularly is too much pressure. Or something. But I was reading WouldaCoulda, who saw it at Zoot who saw it at Tenth-Muse first. I decided this was a meme for me. I could do this one! So here are my answers. Thank you, ladies.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?
   
   Started a blog. Became active in my children’s school.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   
   I can’t say I’ve ever really made resolutions. I’m terrible at making decisions when I’m not under pressure and I procrastinate. Sometimes I feel so lazy, I would put off breathing and blinking if I could. I mean, can’t I do that later? I do have some interests I’d like to develop this year and it is definitely time to take better care of myself. Those might turn into resolutions. In July.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   
   My coworker. I’m sure someone else did, too. I can’t remember right now. Maybe I’ll think of it later.
   
   Okay. It’s later. A few cousins had babies this year. They’re not really close - except the one who lives right down the street from us now.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
   
   No one very close to me died. However, I still have this feeling that many people around me are tiptoeing somewhere between here and there. 2005 could be a difficult year emotionally.

5. What countries did you visit?
   
   I didn’t visit any countries, but I have entered into the realm of PTA Mother. I’m starting to pick up the language and I’m familiar with most of the customs now. But I’d love to say, “Italy” or “Canada” or someplace romantic like that.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
   
   Patience. I’d like to lose that sense of urgency that suffocates me no matter what I’m doing. I’d like to be more laid-back again in 2005. Satisfaction, acceptance, peace with where I am.

   And time. If we could just add a couple hours to each week, I’d have time for patience, I think. But I’d still cram everything I need to do into those two new hours.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   
   I will remember getting carpet right before Christmas 2004. I’ll remember my daughter starting dance, my son’s broken nose from trying to catch that pop-fly with his face. I’ll remember Kerry losing the election. I’ll remember being glad my brother was in Kuwait and not elsewhere.

   I’ll also remember the time The Zero Boss mentioned me. I was entertained for days watching my traffic skyrocket. Woohoo!
   

To celebrate the beginning of a new year, we’re having our parents and

siblings and any one else who needs a place to hang out over to play with us. I’m trying to plan a menu, and there are things I want to try and things that have been requested and suggested and the menu is getting out of hand. We may have to drag strangers in off the street to help us eat it all.

For some unknown reason, I’m very, very cranky today. I am unable to have civil conversations with the people around me. Every task at work today is excrutiating. I’m not even having much fun not working! I hope this mood shifts quickly. It’s ugly.

I’m hoping this anger/rage/fury is good fuel for getting my house clean. I still haven’t mopped my kitchen floor and there are spots now where one can get permanently stuck. The bathroom needs deep cleaning and the laundry is WAY behind.

But I’m having a party Friday night with family and friends and we’ll have too much food and I’ll have to turn the thermostat down because we’ll be too warm and I’ll be running a vaporizor because our air will be too dry. These are the kinds of problems to have.

I am the #137 hit on Yahoo search for “George N Parks”.

Someone is reading a lot of my blog for huge chunks of time (like, for more than 24 seconds!) and is invisible. Who are you, mystery reader? Are you friend, foe, totally crazy? Are you enjoying or pointing and laughing? Plotting my demise, perhaps? Thank you for staying on my little site for so many minutes in a row and for reading archives. I’m psyched. Unless you’re crazy. In that case, I’m creeped out, man.

I like watching Andrea Immer because she gets really excited about tasting wine and food and wine and food together. It’s her job to drink and eat. I’m way jealous. Anyway, her favorite is Pinot Noir and I finally picked up a bottle last night. I was sure I was going to dislike it because I didn’t ask anyone for a recommendation nor did I look it up like I do EVERYTHING ELSE. I can’t make a decision by myself. I won’t read books that aren’t suggested to me by someone I think is smarter or funnier. Is this a problem? So, while I’m actually digging the wine I brought home, I can’t tell you what it is. Because it might be trashy or tsk-worthy. If I Google it and have favorable results, I’ll tell you. Otherwise, me and my cheap wine are a secret. Leave us alone!

Alright. This was supposed to be fast and it’s taking longer than I thought. Hmm.

I’ve been making TO DO lists for my busy self and for my vacationing without me family. It’s become a habit. Here’s a TO DO list for you:

1. Please leave me comments. They make me so very happy. (I’m so glad you came into my …blog.)
2. Visit these fine folks and vote for my favorite blogging nomi nees.
3. Make yourself smell faboo with this good stuff. This is not a paid advertisement. I do not know these folks personally. I can tell you that I ordered stuff on Monday and received it TODAY. Wednesday. And with the freebies that say, “We love you, coolbeans. And we like you to smell amazing like Baby Jesus.
   

We just returned home from our first Christmas celebration. We kicked off the Festival O’ Greed at my mother’s house. Everything went very well. Dinner was delicious. My mother slow cooked a sirloin roast and served it with asparagus, sweet corn, garlic and rosemary mashed potatoes, gravy, and warm rolls. Then she stuffed us with a “Snickers” dessert that I’m pretty sure came directly from Food Heaven. The red wine I’d picked (by playing “Eenie meenie miny mo” in the liquor store) went really well with everything. Yay me. Hiccup.

Then we headed downstairs and dove head-first into a mountain of brightly wrapped packages. My brother, who rocks immensely, gave my son a guitar and is now wildly popular. (I’m sorry my brother couldn’t be there to see him open it and share in the excitement first hand, but he’ll be on his way home from Kuwait soon and can give Tiggs a lesson or two when he’s home on leave.)

We all got lots of neat stuff we wanted and needed. My mom did a super job. But the best part was hanging out, getting tipsy (drunk) with my mom and watching the kids flit around happily. It was also loads of fun watching The Toddler peel foil off of chocolate candy (and start to shake a little from the sugar buzz while peeling faster and faster and faster.)

In years past, we’ve hauled our loot home and just dumped it in the living room or kitchen. Tonight I managed to get everything sorted and carried to the owner’s room! My living room is still tidy. That is a Christmas Miracle.

Well, now that I’ve purged myself of some negative energy (and generously dumped it on the Internet), I feel a little better. A little lighter. Whew.

My daughter did have a nice birthday. She turned very red when the servers at the restaurant sang to her, but she liked it. (To be fair, a pale little redhead can’t blush even a smidgen without looking like she’s about to burst into flames.)

We bought her a Gameboy Advance SP because that’s what she’s been yearning for. It’s shiny and red and new and I am grateful we could get it for her.

She’s sleeping now, clutching the Barbie her grandmother gave her. She’s wearing the frilly nightgown my mother gave her. She’s been wearing that nightgown for almost a week now. It may never get washed.

I remember holding her brand new pinkness in my arms seven years ago tonight. Things had settled down in the hospital and I was finally getting to really check out this new creature all by myself. I kissed her little fingers and toes and ran my finger along the line of her chin and around the curve of her ear - which I swear was the same size and shape of a mini party pretzel. Then I checked her shoulders for fuzziness and as I traced down her arm, I found her “pretty”. A little birthmark on her elbow that is so sweet and precious, the sight of it forced a delighted yelp past my lips into the quiet and dark. I still point to it when we snuggle and tell her, “That’s your pretty. And you’re Mama’s pretty.”

Of all the people in my life, my daughter cuts me the most slack. (I try not to take advantage of this because I know sooner or later, we’ll reach the end of that rope with each other if we’re not careful. Or even if we are.) When I lose my temper or forget something and other people want to lay into me for it, she always says, “That’s okay, Mom. You didn’t mean it. You’ll have a better day tomorrow.”

So when I complain that my girl is whirly twirly girly and wants to have pink and ruffly everything, ignore me. Remind me that this child stops whirling and twirling long enough to giggle sweetly and declare, “You look pretty today, Mommy.” or “You’re not fat, Mommy. You’re nice.”

My daughter turned seven today. She seemed to enjoy herself and her presents and our family night out. I hope she had a happy birthday.

Unfortunately, I can’t write more about that. I’ve tried several times to construct a post about my daughter and her birthday, but it’s just not coming. I feel bottled up, like there’s something inside me wanting to burst out, but I don’t know what it is. This will be a little freewrite. Just pouring out from my brain to my fingers. It won’t be pretty and it might seem stupid. Shut up. I don’t care. I’m thinking out loud.

Now, there is some unresolved conflict between my husband and I, but I didn’t think it was anything major. I have to stop deleting and just let this come out in its own way. It’s very frustrating.

Blank. Blankness. Blah blah blah. What am I doing this for, anyway? It’s just one more thing I want to do that I’m not doing. Like all those little craft projects we found while moving things out of closets last week. And the camera I need to send in to be fixed so I can use it again. And all the books with bookmarks in them…or the books that won’t close all the way because they spent so many months lying facedown on the page I’d left off…Do I ever finish anything? Anything I want to do? Why can’t I follow through and see one project to completion? The laundry or the dishes or could I just clean the entire kitchen all at once and be done with it?

That’s like this. I write, but about WHAT? I don’t even want to read this, do I? I’m more creative and witty and clever than this safe and guarded bullshit I post here. What am I gaining from this? Sigh. I don’t know. LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! I have to go to work where I’m driven half mad by mindless bullshit and mindless comments and tasks. Then I come home! And I don’t make dinner, I don’t play games with the children, I don’t accomplish anything and even when I’m just laying around being lazy, I’m beating myself up for not getting anything done!

I don’t want that entertainment center now. It’s only in the garage because I had to be all scary and intense. I couldn’t just have it because I wanted it and because I work, too. No. I had to say, “Hey. Wait a minute. Aren’t things I want important to you EVER?” And it’s a stupid piece of pressed woodshit. Is this victory? My shiny trophy? Thanks. Merry Christmas. You’re not off the hook.

I don’t want to be this way. Bitter and sad. But I am. I don’t want much. Time. Just a little time. I think that’s it. My head space got quiet. I think that’s all.

Someone keeps searching for biggest boobies and ends up here. Welcome.

We have new carpet! It is soft and cushy and not stained! The crapet is gone. Hurray!

We’re still trying to recover from having to move things around and empty that closet we have been shoving things into without ever taking them out for four years, but it’s minor compared to the joy of walking barefoot on new fluffy carpet.

We were finally able to put our Christmas tree up last night. The kids and dad were very excited. The tree is in a different spot in the living room this year and I must say, I am brilliant. It belongs there. There are few ornaments near the bottom because we anticipated The Toddler’s need to touch. This year, we let the kids put almost all the ornaments on without direction or much assistance. So while it’s not the prettiest tree we’ve ever had, it is the sweetest.

My sister was over last night and I took advantage of her generous spirit. We wrapped everything that needed to be wrapped. Everything is tucked away in boxes under more boxes and other things and I used a special coding system to mark the packages. If the children do happen upon the Christmas stash, they won’t be able to tell which present is theirs. Ha ha! (A big thanks to my friend’s mother for this idea. What fun! A new way to torture the children!)

I’d like to head out of town to a real mall and finish up my Christmas shopping. I don’t have a lot left, but enough that I’d like to not have to worry about it this week. Work could be difficult this week and given the carpet installation induced stress of the last few days, I’d like to be all chilly-chill.

The fundraiser project I’m helping to organize continues to grow and create more work! Don’t think I’m complaining - I already complained to someone else. I’m excited to see how much we can do for the children at our school and in our community. Right now, beyond an accessible swing, there is no playground for a wheelchair-bound child to really explore and enjoy. Our goal is to build a playground accessible to ALL children that all children can enjoy together. We envision a structure that every child will be excited to play on that will encourage the highest level of interaction between kids of all needs and abilities. (Cross your fingers for us that we get that matching donation!) This has come a long way from the original plan to install ground-level play panels under the running, climbing, sliding and jumping structure we already have.

We are getting new carpet tomorrow! Hurray! My husband and I are still married/not guilty of murder after clearing out the living room. Hurray! (I don’t have such high hopes about clearing out all three bedrooms for the second half of the install next week, but let’s take one challenge on at a time, please. Thank you.)

The kids had a lot of fun tearing around the empty living room. The Toddler had a lot of fun digging through the kitchen trash while everyone was busy. The living room furniture was blocking our view - the rustling gave him away eventually, though. We also found out that putting large speakers in front of the dishwasher does not prevent him from reaching the door release to shut it off mid-cycle. Grr.

A job as big as moving everything out of your living/family room requires a team effort. I was the coach. Standing at the edge of the room, clapping and hollering and pointing wildly at large objects my children are apparently too short/young/blind to see. (Making appointments for everyone with the eye doctor is on my “TO DO” list in January.) I think my best moment as “coach” was when I said, “Bean, carry the piano downstairs.” I think her best moment was when she replied, “What piano? Where?”

Tonight I’ll be taking an allergy pill so all the dust I’ve inhaled tonight won’t kill me in my sleep. I used three Swiffer Dusters for the entertainment center components alone. It was so.totally.disgusting.

If you’re surfing here from Blog Explosion, please take a second to say hi.. I’d like to see who’s passing through. Thanky thanky.

This morning I decided this would be Lazypalooza 2004. It was cold in my house and we have sick wee ones. I would stay in my comfy clothes, remain braless and not so much as comb my hair.

Then I started feeling bitchy and not so fresh and the one child threw up while the other smeared snot on me. Then there was screaming (not me this time. I swear!) and the tantrums and then our furnace started working too well. Not wanting to abandon my slothfest entirely, I brushed hair and teeth, washed my face and put my contacts in. (I can’t find my glasses. Have you seen them?)

That made me feel a little better. But I do remember thinking, “I really shouldn’t go that long without my contacts or glasses. My eyes are all screwed up now.”

Just a bit ago as I was in the bathroom NOT having a tantrum of my own, I noticed something pale and blue and roundish and VERY CONTACT LENS LOOKING in the sink.

Well, aren’t I about a genius? Reading the newspaper and watching television without my contacts didn’t cause my eyes to be all screwed up. NOT WEARING a contact in the eye I actually SEE OUT OF is making everything fuzzy.

Duh.